-The current life of Sukie-






--Jamaica--

March 8, 2009

So… everyone deals with stress right – but what if it gets to the point where you can’t deal with it. What happens when you get so stressed that it starts to physically hinder you? I don’t know.

 

It’s going on with me right now and I don’t know what to do. Some things in my life are so great and I’m so happy about them… why can’t I hold on to that happiness, and pull it’s warmth into my chest until it dissolves everything else?

 

My stomach is in knots as I write this, partly from hunger, partly from the fight I just had with my dad. I’ve been busy lately – very busy.

 

Just to give you a glimpse, let me give a little list of everything in my life currently.

 

1.)    Church, responsibilities involving music for church, youth group

2.)    School, that means 8 classes, two being honors, a full novel I just wrote for a class, plenty of tests all the time just for classes as I try to keep my GPA about a 3.9, ACT/MME testing this week, forms filling out, and a class online

3.)    Work, and the patrons are getting more ill behaved as spring starts coming

4.)     Sickness – I’m sick a lot

5.)    Family, yelling at me to do more housework because I apparently don’t do enough even though I’m busy with all that stuff, asking me to help with homework and being upset when I don’t have time, being irresponsible with the use of my things, certain members tearing me down…

6.)    Social – friends are getting as snappy as I am with things in their lives and two snappy people make for a fighting GRAWRNESSfest, hardly getting to talk to/see my bf because of everything ELSE in my schedule, and my minutes on my cell phone to low to text people I really need to talk to, and as we mentioned, I have no time to actually talk

7.)    Things are cluttered around me. As an OCD person, that adds a LOAD of stress

 

So yes – what to do? I’m so uptight I could have just walked out of my house into the pouring rain then walked about three-four miles to some friends house and collapsed at their doorstep. I have got to get out of here. That’s the one thing I’m clinging to with the testing is that I’m going to be in lansing for 3 days and evenings are free – well, as much as that can be said for me since I have so much work.

 

What’s wrong with me?

 

Is my flesh reacting when someone tells me they’ll pray for me? Because when I’m this uptight and someone says that, I honestly feel like I’m shattering. Instead of the relief, and gratefulness, and peace that someone should feel when they hear a friend is praying for them, instead of possibly tears of “letting go” falling, I almost begin to just fall to my knees and break apart.

 

What’s wrong with me?

 

I don’t like to fight, and yet over the past week I’ve probably gotten pushed over the edge so many times by my family I can’t even count, and … I really haven’t reacted in the way that I usually do. I’ve been catty and disrespectful and I hate it.

 

What’s wrong with me?

…God help me.

March 3, 2009

Since many of you have been wondering, or have been hearing bits and pieces but not the whole thing, I have decided to post the details of how I am now the girlfriend of my best guy friend, Steven in Three Parts. Enjoy xD Oh, and by the way, this has been since February 4, officially

--Narrative format, 'cuz it just rocks like that--
I.
Steven walked in the door with his guitar, and immediately her head turned up in interested in exuberance.

"I'll be right there!" she called over to him as she finished up what she was paying for at the snack place and then headed over happily. After giving him a 'welcome' hug, she gestured towards teh case. "Sooooooo??" Her eyes danced with excitement to see what he'd told her he was bringing - his new guitar. She was extremely excited he'd gotten it because it was something he really wanted.

 

He slowly pulled it out of his case as she talked to a few other people but mainly to him, and her eyes admired the guitar's shape slowly as she nodded her head, finally making eye contact again.

"It's really nice!" she exclaimed happily as he began to play different melodies he'd learned to pick out since he got it. She listened, laughing at times - such as when he played the Empire's theme from Star Wars. He knew she'd recognize -that- right away.

 

Later on, the whole group was sitting in a circle, and she was playing with the rubber band that had been on her wrist from work around her fingers. Reaching over, he started to play with her rubber band as well, trying to dislodge it from her fingers as she tried -not- to lose it to him. Their fingers kept getting all tangled up over and over again as they both laughed. Eventually, he won out and she pretended to pout, grabbing for it back as he pulled away.

Eventually she gave up - at least for a few minutes as worship started. A few times in between songs he began to tease her with it once again, snapping her arm a few times. Finally he gave it back as she laughed, and they sat down again.

 

When it came time to break up into small groups, he smiled at her "are you in my group?" She'd only been to youth group once on a small group night, and he couldn't remember.

"I'm in the one back there" she pointed to a section of the room, and a grin split his face.

"That IS my group!"

 

When they sat down for small groups, he sat down -right- next to her. She couldn't help but think about how close he was and how happy that made her. He didn't -have- to be sitting that close. So either he was messing around, or he was doing it for a reason, and after his actions that night, she would guess a reason.

 

Halfway through small groups, he started rubbing at his neck, and she looked over in concern, "Are you okay?"

"Just a little sore...I'm fine" he assured.

 

Towards the end, he got up from where they were sitting, and laid down on his stomach on the floor. She looked down with a frown. "Are you okay?"

"You look like you need someone to walk on your back" John, one of their friends observed.

"That would be amazing..." Steven breathed.

She paused a moment, wondering if she should, and then went with it. "Well, if you sit in front of me, I'll do your shoulders..." She offered with a small smile.

 

"are you serious?!" He smiled.

"Yep..."

He got himself situated, and then she started on his shoulders. He -was- tense, but she figured she could relieve at least some of that, and set herself about doing just that. When small groups ended, she gave a small smile.

"Is that any better?"

"Much" he told her with a smile. As they began to walk towards the side of the room everyone else was on, he looked down at her. "So remember when I talked about kidnapping you?"

"Yeah..."

 

 

"I now have another reason to add to my list."

This made her feel extremely happy because it meant he had really enjoyed what she'd done, and that was the whole intention.

 

Just as they were leaving, she said goodbye to him, giving another hug as per usual, except this was a little -unusual-. He held her longer, and his hands were lower, around her waist instead of higher by her shoulders. As he let go, he grinned and added. "Consider yourself kidnapped."

She was on a buzz all night after that.

II.

She and her sister were dropped off by her mother the night of the Superbowl party. All week long she’d been telling her friends about Saturday night, and trying not to get too excited – after all, what if she’d been mistaken? What if he was just being the normal, friendly boy he was? What if she’d misread the signs and gotten her hopes up for nothing?! She promised herself that whatever happened would happen – and what was the worst? They’d stay the good friends they were. That was never a bad thing.

 

They got to his house, and hung out. His parents were gone for about ten minutes, and he was supposed to be a gentleman. She was quieter, although gave some of her own comments like always, however her effervescent, bubbly sister seemed to get more attention than she did. This made her uneasy, and when he didn’t start to flirt, she became a little more resigned to the fact that she probably had just imagined it.

 

Once at the Superbowl, she ended up talking to his friend Josh more than him, simply because Josh was talking to her. Another girl had come, from his school and church, and was sitting on the other side of him. She watched them, and they seemed to be talking quite a lot – did he like her? She seemed to like him. She continued her conversation with Josh, looking over at him from time to time. Finally, she texted her friend Jennelle, who’d practically promised her the night would go great.

 

No flirting yet.

 

A reply was not long in coming.

 

You still have time!!

 

Rolling her eyes and biting her lip, she slid her cell phone back into her pocket, and surprisingly, within a few minutes the opportunity arose. On his head were perched a pair of cardboard, red and blue lensed 3-D glasses. Rolling her eyes at his amusing appearance, she reached over to snatch them from his face teasingly, but her reach was interrupted by his hand on her wrist. Laughing, she reached with the other hand, only to have him grab that one as well. Putting up a little bit of a fight she pulled away, reaching again, before he took them off himself, reaching as far away from her as he could and laughing at her attempts to free the glasses.

 

He was reaching towards the other girl. With a smile that looked like she was up to something, she grabbed his hand, pulling it down with the glasses inside, and slowly trying to pry it open. She couldn’t help but feel the slightest stirring of jealousy. A few minutes later, however, she had reached to pick up her pop, and her arm had brushed against his on her way. Totally unintentional, she was surprised when he gently nudged her back for it.

“What was that for?!” she laughed, pretending to be offended.

 

“You hit me!” he complained, his eyes dancing.

 

She pushed him harder with a laugh. “I barely brushed your arm!”

 

Their push-and-slap war continued until he finally gave up, both smiling widely. So perhaps the night was better than expected?

 

Or so she thought. As the night was coming to a close, Steven looked over. “So why is it that nice girls always go for the bad guys?” he questioned sincerely, and the sentiment was soon echoed by his friends Derek and Josh.

 

She pursed her lips, giving up a shrug. “Danger? Excitement? The chance for something new? I’m not sure. Other than movies, they’ve never really gotten much interest from me.”

 

However all three boys continued to comment, asking questions and prodding, trying to understand why. About midway through the conversation, Steven finally let out a harsh breath. “It’s not fair. Either the girls I know their parents won’t let them date, or they go for the bad guys!”

 

Feeling a bit like he was not looking directly in front of his face, I scoffed, mock-shocked. “So I go for the bad guys Steven?”

 

He looked down, “Well, no, but you’re my friend.” The last word of the sentence was stressed, obviously the main point. Friend. Just a friend. The emphasis he placed on that after her hopes had raised almost incited a wince, but her face stayed calm, simply giving off a shrug.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know…but all I’m saying is that they are out there. Maybe you’re…just not looking.” She answered, although her voice was a touch quieter as she soothed herself inside. It was okay, really, it was. They were just friends, and it would stay that way, and that was okay with her…right?

 

Not really. Friend-zoned sucks. It means not only that you are just friends now but most likely you’ll be “just friends” for forever. That was a slightly bitter pill to swallow. On top of the fact that she couldn’t vent to her friends online and by the time she got home, it’d be too late to call, she was unhappy. Her laptop was broken, her iPod was probably broken, and she was totally, without a doubt, friend-zoned. Ouch.

 

 

“Well, Derek’ll help me look, Wont’cha Derek?” Steven asked hooking his friend around the neck as he laughed, and Derek agreed to the mission.

 

The two’s conversation continued, and it only seemed to get worse. The girl he was describing as the girl he’d want to date was in her – some characteristics he’d even pointed out in her in the past. She felt like screaming, “OPEN YOUR EYES!” but continued conversation as always.

 

The ride home was quiet. She was texting two of her friends, venting via text, and just feeling awful. When she got home, he did not hug her goodnight. So much for that. She thought as she walked in the door.

 

Her eyes went to her desk, and to her great pleasure, her laptop was working!  She could vent! She could write! The whole day wasn’t bad! Grinning, she went over to sit down, plugging in her iPod to try and make it work – it did. A grin split across her face wider, and although she couldn’t be thrilled, she had her optimism back. Then came the encounter that pushed her over the top. Into her room comes her sister, grinning as she rested her arms against the ladder to the loft. “So did Steven ask you out tonight?” she asked happily.

 

Tonight, of all nights she asks? She thought to herself a bit grumpily. “Was…he…supposed to?” she asked, looking perplexed.

 

“Well, Derek and I decided that you two like each other, and you should get together! So Derek asked him if he liked you, and he said that he didn’t know but if you liked him then something might kinda be happening there.” She grinned.

 

Her face was shell-shocked. “When did he say this!? Before or after the conversation about dating?”

 

“Right before we left!”

 

“…I was with him the whole time!”

 

“No, you were texting for like two seconds and Derek pulled him aside!”

 

Her face began to grow more hopeful. “You’re serious?” She remembered Steven pulling Derek around his neck, and telling him that  he would look for the girl. Derek, they guy helping Steven, was trying to get Steven with me…and if she liked Steven, then she'd have a chance.

 

“So if I ask him to banquet… he’ll know I like him, and he might make a move!” she exclaimed, her plan working out possibly after all.

 

“Yep.” Her sister grinned, and she couldn’t stop smiling. This had been a good night.

III.
She was in her room working on homework tiredly when the phone rang loudly at her side. Her hand instantly reached the quell the loud buzzing and she held it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey," it was his voice. She smiled brightly.

"Hey!" Before she could start a conversation though, he spoke again, quickly.

"I need to talk to your sister." It was a very matter-of-fact, and somewhat frustrated tone.
Oh. Crap. He knows. Something happened so that he knows she's trying to set us up and he's annoyed, and he's going to think I like him, and it's going to be awkward, and things are just going to be all around bad!

"Oh...uh, Ok." she finally made out.

"I'll talk to you after, but I need to talk to your sister."

Slowly and a little awkwardly, she went to her sisters room, and handed her the phone.

She stood inside the room, watching her sisters expression and listening to the phrases coming from her lips. Typical Jenny. Full of mischief - but if her mischief face was on, she must be hearing something to make it such!

"So you like her but you think she doesn't like you?" She heard, and her stomach clenched. This wasn't real - was it? Was Jenny putting words in his mouth? She waited...and waited... and still they did not get off the phone. Jenny's voice inplied something too - so why were they still talking.

Finally, she was gestured out of the room. Frustrated, she went and excitedly told a few key friends what was happening - and the minutes passed.

Ten minutes later, she went towards the room, standing at the door to hear, "So are you going to ask her TONIGHT?!!?!?!"

Her heart lept and her hands began to shake in excitement and happiness as she ran back to her bedroom, trying to calm herself so she wouldn't sound like an idiot on the phone.

Fifteen more minutes passed, and by now she was worried. Had she heard wrong?! What could be taking so long - he'd told her he wanted to talk to her. Her buzz leaving, she resigned herself that it wasn't happening tonight, but sneaked back once more anyway to hear, "So should I buy her a flower for you for Valentines Day?!"

Good sign!! Again!! And yet, they weren't off the phone. Jittery with nervous excitement, she walked into her room again.

A few minutes later, she heard the sound of her sisters voice, loud as always walking through the house. "8....7....6...5...4...3...2..." at five she had sighted her and at two, the hand was reaching the phone towards her. "Here she is!!"

A smile on the girls face of anticipation, she murmured a 'hello' and he greeted her back. Her sister set herself up comfortably and proceeded to stare at her with an almost maniacal grin, blinking long and expectedly. The conversation smoothed into his day, and that continued for about five minutes, before being interrupted

"What is taking so long!?" her sister finally exclaimed, and she was laughingly hushed.

About ten minutes later, she was hushed again after another exclamation.

Half an hour into their conversation, he asked tentatively, "So is your sister still bugging?"

"Huh? Well, she's looking at a photo album now, so not really, but she's still here, yeah."

"Oh, okay... that's what I meant by bugging" he answered, laughing some. Almost sensing that this was why he hadn't said anything, she walked out of her room with a smile.

"However, I'm leaving so she can't anymore," She laughed, but as simple as it sounded, it was nervous.

A few seconds later, once she had announced she was out of her room, he started slowly
"So... remember...at the Superbowl party...when we were talking about how 'good girls go for bad boys' or whatever?"

Her anticipation grew, and she clutched the phone tighter, "Yes?"

"And...how when I said there weren't any girls, you said 'What about me?!''?"

She nodded, "Yeah..."

He seemed...almost timid when he spoke next. "Well....I...was thinking of 30 hour famine last year.... and... I thought that you'd said you don't date guys who are your friends...because it would make things awkward or something...so I reacted according to what I thought you would want..."

"Oh.." she nodded.

"but...maybe that wasn't the best reaction..." he added on.

"Maybe..." she laughed some, rolling her eyes.

"and...maybe things have changed a little since then..."

"Maaaybe..." she mumbled, her smile growing.

"Maybe a lot?" he asked, sounding happy.

"Maaaaybe..." she grinned now.

"Maybe will you go to Winterfest with me?" he asked, and her grin seemed to split her face, but she had to ask,

"When is it?"

"February 28."

She looked at the calender, and a tiny bit of happiness drained. "Oh no!"

"What?"

"That's the weekend of the Jamaica retreat I have to go to..." she exhaled slowly. "But..." she grinned slightly. "Check your calender for April 25"

"okay..." he went over to look. "church and five pines live"

"You think you...could skip those for one night?"

"I...could..." he started slowly.

"Then will you be my date to banquet?" she asked, almost trembling from the question. It was nervewracking.

"I would love to be your date to banquet." She could hear his smile through the phone.

"Sorry I can't go to your thing...I really, really, wish I could..."

"Oh...well maybe we could do something a little more...traditional then... like a movie?" he asked, and she smiled softly.

"I'd like that... a lot."

A while later in their conversation, out of the blue, he asked,
"So really?!"

She paused, puzzled. "really what?"

"Do you really like me?!"

She had to laugh, After she'd told him how much she wished she could go to winterfest with him, and asked him to be her date to banquet, he still questioned? "Yes, I really like you!" she told him, her laugh echoing through the phone.

"Really?!"

"Yes!"

"Wow..."

She couldn't help but feel the same.

February 6, 2009

Do you ever have one of those times where you're sitting in church, and something hits you - just completely out of the blue?

Our pastor was talking about sin, and how there is nothing we can do to erase our sins. No matter how much good we try to do, that wont fix what we've done. No matter how much we try to punish ourselves, it's not going to work. That made me think of the Scarlet Letter, and how Dimmesdale and Hester each tried to fix their sins in their own way, but it didn't work.

Hester reminded me of Jessica, my character, because the two are very much the same, and Jessica made me think of the song Unfaithful by Rihanna - not the best song to have in your head at church right? I'm going somewhere with this, I promise.

Either way, Communion starts, and I start confessing things in a prayer that I've been struggling with since I hadn't gotten to do devotions the night before, and I realized something - and it hit me so hard. The song unfaithful...is the song of the Christian.

The woman is us, God is the man that truly loves her, and Satan/Sin is the "other guy". Try to imagine that as I post the lyrics in here. Now, of course the song doesn't entirely fit, but I'd say it's pretty close.

Story of my life,
Searching for the right,
But it keeps avoiding me -
Sorrow in my soul,
'cuz it seems that wrong
Really loves my company.

He's more that a man
And this is more than love
the reason that the sky is blue
the clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

'cuz I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy
with some other guy
...I can see him dying

I don't wnat to do this anymore,
I don't want to be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door,
I see him die a little more inside
I don't want to hurt him anymore
I don't want to take away his life
I don't want to be... a murderer.

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm going to be out late
I say "I won't be long
Just hangin' with the girls"
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know,
where I'm about to go
And we know it very well...

(chorus)

Our love, his trust,
I might as well
Take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with.
I don't want to do this.

It just... it felt like the passage in Romans when Paul's talking about sin and his own struggle with it.

Romans 7:15-24

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Do they not sound alike? The girl in the song does not truly want to be unfaithful. She wants to do right, but she keeps turning back to wrong. The first guy (God) has never given her anything but good, he knows she hasn't given him everything, and it breaks his heart, and she knows this...and yet she continues. She turns back to that other guy.

My friends were talking about this in the car, and they asked. "If she doesn't want to, then she should just STOP!" and thinking about it this way, why don't WE just stop?

We keep turning back to this sin, or that sin, when God has given us the full ability through his Holy Spirit to conquer it and live fully for him.

Maybe this means nothing to you, but maybe it does mean something... In correlation with the verses, it really hit me.

January 14, 2009


2009. A new year, and a fresh start. Yes, I do know that that is a very common expression, but you know what? I don't care. XD.

There are going to be a lot of new things happening this year. One event in particular has been hard to accept, but at the same time, I really think that good things will come of it eventually.

The Event is this - my youth pastor of six years now, who I'd expected to have graduated with, and always counted on, will be leaving my church and moving to Detroit. I had no idea of this until last week, and he'll be leaving next month - I wrote a song for them, which will be in the bottom of this post where all my other "writing" work shows up sometime. I have a good friend who's also in the youth group and has been in it as long as me is a fantastic musician, and he's helping me get a real song out of the tiny little tune that's in my head. Figured out the key and is already adding stuff to it. It'll be my going away present to them. The first verse is to my youth pastor himself, the second to his wife, and the chorus and bridge to both of them.

In some ways I wonder, "what in the world is going to happen to us without him?" but then I realize that he's been preparing us all along - he's set us up to be leaders in our church by pulling the high school youth group into worship team, special music, and urging us to be involved with other church activities. He's been teaching us to stand up and be the examples for the younger jr. high kids, and when he was hugging me on Sunday he told me it was "my turn now"

That's just a little scary, especially considering the below posts - like, who am I to lead? I have the skills, yes, but should I really be a leader? I guess that true leaders aren't really chosen by themselves but by the people around them who choose to follow. George Washington didn't want to be president, but he was one of the best ones we had - he helped set up this country!

Just let me note here that I do not think that I'm some wonderful leader that everybody should look to, I was just making a point to set up what I'm going to say next. During the winter retreat I went on, our topic was "Be Last" because to be LAST on earth is to be FIRST in God's eyes. That means being a servant, and doing things that normally, you wouldn't want to do. It means making sacrifices.

During "church time" the last night we were there, it was a time to be open, and to share what was really going on in each of our lives if we wanted to. I shared a little about what had started the pain I wrote about before, but didn't go into a lot of detail. From others, however, I heard a lot more. Especially the junior high kids.

Two girls in particular I know look up to me - they were struggling a lot and I reminded them of some verses. Hebrews 5 where God tells us we are never alone, and Psalm 40, one of my favorite passages when I honestly feel like I've sunk so deep that I will never get out. These two girls, and one of the jr. high boys called me wise. If you've never been called that you have no idea how inadequate you feel when it's used on you. I was...in a bit of a stunned silence before I had to say that I am struggling with things just like they are, and my faith isn't perfect. I've been through a lot, and my faith is fairly strong from those experiences, and I know a lot of verses, and I know my theology. I've been on missions trips, and I know what I believe. I think ahead, and "mature" is used a lot on me, but wise? Wisdom is not a word I would stick on me.

Through those words however, I've realized what the jr. highers in my youth group see me as, and I now have something that I feel I need to do - I need to be that strength for them that I never really got (except for camp counselors) as a junior higher. I can do that. I know I can. I can listen whenever they need me, and I can give compassion, love, and a listening ear. I can be a leader in how much I care about them and what they're struggling with.

So, in association with the "be last" theme, that last day there, I stayed up 'til about 2 in the morning handwriting (ow!ow!ow!) about 10 full page letters to each girl in the jr. high in my youth group with contact info, stuff I loved about them and who they were, and promises from God. I wanted to sleep, I really did. I was tired, but I figured this was more important. They ...really appreciated it.

I don't write this to brag, but just to say, "hey, if you're older in your youth group, this might be YOU." who knows who's looking up at you? Who knows who you're setting the example for? My little sister is always saying "I want to be just like you" ...and I want to be a person that she can try to be like, without having guilt.

So that's my commitment for this year - to "be the change" and to give those around me the example. To follow 1 Timothy 4:12 and set the example in my "speech, life, love, faith, and purity". What's yours?




December 26, 2008

"My Child....it was then that I carried you."
How long does it take you to forgive someone? To really forget what they did and move on as if they'd never done it to be as close as you were before. How long?

And how long should they expect? Instantaneous? I think not! It's too simple, because the trust is no longer earned, it's expected, like a prize or a payment - my trust, is not yours to take. You get it as a gift, and that's it.

I just don't understand what's happening - if you can't trust the people you considered once your best friends, who can you trust? Everyone leaves I suppose. Everyone here on earth.

God never leaves me, and I'm not grateful enough for that, I just wish sometimes that I could really talk to him. To talk outloud and have him answer back audibly. To be able to be held in his arms and cry my heart out if I needed to, sure that in his arms I was the safest place of all.

I wish I could do that with my dad. He's trying but we don't have the best relationship. Things have happened, and I just... I can't respect him. Not the way I should. Not the way I would need to. I can hug him, but he could never hold me when I was crying. It would make things worse.

I haven't cried in awhile. I... I don't think I've cried since the night it all fell apart, and that was back in october. Two months ago. I really didn't think it was possible. God was holding me then, but not the way I wish he could. I wish sometimes it was more physical. I wish sometimes that I could know there was someone here on earth I could trust like that, someone who's never going to just walk away from me, someone who will never leave me or break me down or hurt me.

But earth isn't like that is it, no matter how much I wish it was. Here on earth is sin, and through sin, pain. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could let it all go. I wish it didn't hurt so much. I wish it didn't still affect me... I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

It doesn't take all that much to make me sad now. Just a word, or a word phrase, a tone of voice, a look in the eyes, an annoucnement - anything really could get me to the point where I would once again be silent, my only voice in my writing.

Why does it help so much to be silent as I'm upset? wouldn't it be better to scream, to cry, to shout so that people might know that I'm hurting, and things aren't really getting better like I thought they were?

I don't want to always be on guard. I want to trust. I want to love. I want to live with my whole heart and take nothing back, simply giving to people. I want to bring joy to the people around me. I wasnt to keep dreaming, and I want to always hope...

I will, because Christ is with me. It's hard though. It's just...so...so hard.

December 15, 2008
 

A coma. I would totally love to go into a coma for awhile. Not be able to exist for like...two weeks. Maybe three-four. However long it takes. I'll finally be happy...and then it's gone within seconds.

People change.

December 10, 2008.
 

I hate people trying to fix me. What if I can't be fixed? The problems I have don't have solutions. They're empty. I see the symptoms of depression in myself but I'm not depressed - I think. Who knows, maybe I am. I want to sleep all the time. I have so little energy I hardly want to bother to open my mouth and talk. I'm not getting my homework done - I have no drive. Nothing really matters anymore in my head.

I want people to be able to come to me, because I want to be able to help and sometimes it helps to talk it out. They also know I care, and that I'll pray for them and apparently I give good advice... unfortunately it starts to weigh me down.

I don't think I know of one of my friends who isn't going through something, and I'm really empathetic, so I feel pain for all their problems - and my own. Every night my prayer list gets longer. That's on top of all my own problems. I feel like I'm drowning so far under that to come up too fast 100 feet would crush my lungs and kill me. The one person I kinda thought would understand is pushing me deeper, even as he asks to pull me up - quickly. He wants to just fix me but I can't be fixed. I have to heal and healing just doesn't happen in seconds - not in this world anyway.

I'm really close to giving up. I don't want to. I don't want to be a shell of a person who doesn't listen, who doesn't care, but I'm getting there. I can't seem to reach high enough to move forward. There's a pressure on my shoulders and it hurts. If I fall, the pressure is gone, but I fall into nothingness.

People think of me as so strong. They've told me I'm the strongest person they know. I don't understand that. I don't deserve that, but I'm afraid of what their expectations would be should I fall. If they didn't see me ass someone that could come to, who would they turn to? Anyone? I have to stay strong...but the truth is I've never been so weak.




Poetry
12-15

Change
Source of comfort
Secret keeper
My best friend
We once went deeper

Once I knew you
Once I laughed
Once we whispered -
Is it past?

Are the things you told me lies?
Is this all one big surprise?
Who are you, this girl who speaks?
You do not wipe tears from cheeks.

Once I knew you
Once we laughed
Once we whispered
Now it's past.


The Child
Silver Bells ring through the air
A happy song for some
Lonely child in window sill
He knows not why I come.

To him the tree is all there is
To him the season's pain
To him the face of memories
Are as heavy as snow on the lane

I want to show him all the joy
That this season can bring
Not from toys, or gifts, or elves
But the coming of a King

The peace of Christ
Could bring him life
Could show him love
Could soothe his strife

His mind is closed
His ears are dull
My words are told
but pronounced null.

12-6

Distortion
A face in the mirror
My face, a deeper reflection -
Distorted.

1-8


Tribute
To Dan and Juleen;;Song of goodbye
>Verse 1<
You're moving on, I know it's true//
But giving up a friend, well that's hard to do//
I've learned so much from you//
You'll do more there, I'm sure you're right//
You've taught us all to fight the fight//
We'll all miss you, so never forget//


>Chorus<
You've made an impact, you've touched our lives//
You've helped us grow and dried our eyes//
You've given help and hugs and smiles//
And though you're over miles and miles away//
We love you//


>Verse 2<
Your quiet spirit, patience, peace//
It's made me feel like another niece//
I've learned so much from you//
Encouragement? You're always there//
A role model, you always care//
We'll all miss you, so never forget//


>Bridge<
It's all so new, and moving fast//
The memories made, will last and last...//

11-17

The Midas Touch
Midas Touch of gold
To which my heart is sold
Except within my spirit's bane
Becomes the Midas Touch of pain

In want to help them all
A long and sorrowed call
From break of trust
Friends turn to dust

The Midas Touch of pain
Becomes my ball and chain
Hear what I have to say -
I'm sorry for this day.

11-17
My writing class had to do two poems on the same subject - I chose betrayal. These are the results. Both are about a man who committed a murder, and the people around him. The first is in general, the second of his wife.


Outlaw
Slap in the face
Barbs in the heart
Left without a trace
The friendship will part

Words so crushing
All men hushing
People hurting
Law asserting

Find him.


Heartbreak
Betrayal cold
Hers to hold
Small delight
Turned to fright

Changed lives
 Love dives
Into deep abyss
She will always miss

Find him.

3-4-09

A Letter Unsent
I'm never good enough for you. It doesn't matter how hard I try, it doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't matter if I'm patient, or that I've been waiting for this to stop for years... it doesn't. It doesn't matter that I work, it doesn't matter that I'm taking a bunch of honors classes and online ones too. It doesn't matter that maybe, I get tired really quickly physically. It doesn't matter when I make you happy, it only matters when I upset your idea of a perfect family. I mean literally perfect. Unless I play the Laura and Mary Ingalls best-friend bosom friend sister relationship, I have done you discredit. If it's past ten o'clock and you want to chat about a rumor you heard, I should have to hear about it and give my thoughts. that's my "job" because what kind of sister leaves the other hanging dry when they want to talk?
Oh yeah. That' me.
What kind of sister doesn't come to games, even though she works or has a load of homework on almost all the nights the games are on, and the nights she doesn't, she wants to be home, and the one game she went to, you assume she only went because her boyfriend was there when really, that was a comromise so that he could see her AND they could go to the game.
Oh, me again.
What Kind of sister doesn't share everything she has, because "wouldn't you share that with you're best friend?"
Oh... wow, look it's me again.
You expect a relationship that I can't give. You've hurt me so many times with your words, that I can not trust you now. I just can't. Every time you tell me what an awful "sisterly relationship" we have, it's a slap in the face. Because I'm trying, alright? I'm trying so hard, but my life doesn't revolve around you.
For years you've been selfish, and they all told me you just needed to mature. But do you want to know what I think? I don't think this is a maturity issue.
You're hurting me. You're manipulating me.
I quit trying.